Leaning on Him

This Christmas hasn’t particularly been what I’ve envisioned it to be. I’ve gotten the best gifts, being home back in Iowa and being able to see my husband in ministry and be a part of it. But coming home hasn’t been easy. Shortly after returning home we found out that Grandma’s kidneys are failing and so she doesn’t feel pain, they have increased her pain medication. She slept right through Christmas and when asked about it the next day, didn’t remember anything. Grandma has taken a main role in raising me and my siblings, and experiencing these changes that are taking place with her is more than I can bear sometimes. I miss my friend. I miss her sweet reassurance after a night mare. I miss having her around. Lately I’ve thought, “if only Grandma was here, she could see this…or she’d be proud of me for this…or she’d really enjoy watching this with me.” I don’t mean to speak of her as if she’s passed, but I know it’s something that will happen. I have no doubt that she will be with Jesus celebrating when she does pass, but for such a long time she’s been a huge part of my life. Many times I’ve woken up with nightmares that she had passed and I couldn’t do anything about it…it’s a suffocating feeling. One I’m sure my family experienced when they lost my Grandma Zeola. The 23rd was twenty-three years she’s been gone. It’s a frustrating feeling knowing you’ve been compared to someone, and you never got the chance to know them. I‘ve often wondered lately what would my relationship with her be like today if she were alive? Would I be taking cooking advice from her? Would we be close? What was she like?
I’m normally one for the Christmas spirit, and annoy Kyle with my zeal for the holiday season, but as I sit in our new home, my heart hurts.

When I was a little girl I dreamed about growing up and the man that I would marry-all the wonderful things of being an adult. This wasn’t something I envisioned. I’m thankful for where God has brought me, a godly husband and wonderful ministry, but as I’ve transitioned into adulthood, it’s hard to let go of relationships as they were. It’s hard seeing Grandma in a wheel chair not able to be awake with us during Christmas, when for so many years she was the strong one who read the Christmas story.

As I cherish my memories of her, and accept the transitions in life, I lean wholly on God and thank Him for the gift of his Son, Jesus Christ-the reason for the season. I pray this peace also for my family who had to experience the loss of my Grandma Zeola, 23 years ago. I also pray this for anyone whose heart is hurting this Christmas. May you see the glory of Christ through this new year. God bless you and keep you.