Modest Perceptions

Leaning on Him

2011-12-26T17:11:00.000-08:00

This Christmas hasn’t particularly been what I’ve envisioned it to be. I’ve gotten the best gifts, being home back in Iowa and being able to see my husband in ministry and be a part of it. But coming home hasn’t been easy. Shortly after returning home we found out that Grandma’s kidneys are failing and so she doesn’t feel pain, they have increased her pain medication. She slept right through Christmas and when asked about it the next day, didn’t remember anything. Grandma has taken a main role in raising me and my siblings, and experiencing these changes that are taking place with her is more than I can bear sometimes. I miss my friend. I miss her sweet reassurance after a night mare. I miss having her around. Lately I’ve thought, “if only Grandma was here, she could see this…or she’d be proud of me for this…or she’d really enjoy watching this with me.” I don’t mean to speak of her as if she’s passed, but I know it’s something that will happen. I have no doubt that she will be with Jesus celebrating when she does pass, but for such a long time she’s been a huge part of my life. Many times I’ve woken up with nightmares that she had passed and I couldn’t do anything about it…it’s a suffocating feeling. One I’m sure my family experienced when they lost my Grandma Zeola. The 23rd was twenty-three years she’s been gone. It’s a frustrating feeling knowing you’ve been compared to someone, and you never got the chance to know them. I‘ve often wondered lately what would my relationship with her be like today if she were alive? Would I be taking cooking advice from her? Would we be close? What was she like?
I’m normally one for the Christmas spirit, and annoy Kyle with my zeal for the holiday season, but as I sit in our new home, my heart hurts.

When I was a little girl I dreamed about growing up and the man that I would marry-all the wonderful things of being an adult. This wasn’t something I envisioned. I’m thankful for where God has brought me, a godly husband and wonderful ministry, but as I’ve transitioned into adulthood, it’s hard to let go of relationships as they were. It’s hard seeing Grandma in a wheel chair not able to be awake with us during Christmas, when for so many years she was the strong one who read the Christmas story.

As I cherish my memories of her, and accept the transitions in life, I lean wholly on God and thank Him for the gift of his Son, Jesus Christ-the reason for the season. I pray this peace also for my family who had to experience the loss of my Grandma Zeola, 23 years ago. I also pray this for anyone whose heart is hurting this Christmas. May you see the glory of Christ through this new year. God bless you and keep you.

Pastor's Wife

2011-10-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

Pastor's Wife. A new title, and one that I'm overjoyed to be known as now. I don't know what God has in store for Kyle and I, but I know what the (almost) three years has held for us here. When we came here in January of 2009 I was angry because of what happened with Vennard, and unsure of what was to come. I was devastated at the idea of leaving Iowa and my family. Well...it's been almost three years here, and I've made it! Going to Oklahoma Wesleyan was a new experience, and while it ended up not being something that worked out for me, it has opened doors for Kyle and I. It opened the door up to Spencer Management (a janitorial service company) where Kyle and I started working as soon as we moved here. Through that, Kyle has seen the company make a move and gotten to experience life as a supervisor and because of that, meet and witness to co-workers, who have become saved and become very good friends of ours. Coming down here has given me an opportunity to get closer to a very good friend of mine, and someone who I consider to probably be my best friend (aside from Kyle of course). She stood up with me at my wedding and encouraged me all the while. Because of OKWU, we were blessed with being able to get married (which is the biggest thing that has happened since we've been here!!). I've experienced things like VOM Conferences and Taste of Home Cooking Shows, and ice skating for the first time. We got to take a spring break trip to Texas (somewhere I had never been before) and see the ocean. I got to see my husband accomplish his B.S. in Pastoral Ministries and start seminary with Liberty University. We got to add two wonderful energetic dogs to our family, Ginger & Bella. I started my own journey with Liberty in finishing my degree. We've been blessed to get to see how God is working through the Penn's & Jessie & Jake since Vennard, and have them as close friends. Through different instances, we've experienced The Holy Spirit's pull in our lives, as well as God shutting doors just to open new ones. I've experienced apathy and learning patience. I got to see my husband being used by God to touch the lives of others and because of that, get to baptize a close friend and his brother. I've gotten to see sides of myself that I'm not too proud of, and am pushing to change. I've learned that God is still here, despite how much I've hurt. I've learned to reach out. I've learned new ways in which to be there for Kyle. I've learned that I can be really prideful and am trying to be a better steward of that. Among other things. I've learned how deeply I love my husband, and was blessed by what God has entrusted me with. ***So many more experiences***

When we moved into this apartment, I told Jessie it was "cozy," and she said it was a good way of looking at it. Now as I sit here amongst totes and boxes of our stuff, it's hard to realize another new chapter of our lives is taking part. That we are leaving our first "married home." At times I felt like I would never get out of here, but now it's just surreal I guess. I pray that this new chapter of our lives is totally and utterly led by God and that we make just as many new friendships.

To our friends who've been right there with us and the new ones we've made-you've always got a place to come stay with us. We love you and always want to be a part of your lives. We don't see this as goodbye, but a beginning. We can't wait to share all of our new experiences!

You Shoulda' Seen It In Black & White

2011-08-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

Since Boarders is going out of business, Kyle and I have been buying a few books. One of the last books I bought is "The Great LIFE Photographers," which is the massive book of LIFE photographers and some of their prints. Not only is it a great coffee table book, but the photo's (and stories behind them) are amazing. I don't claim to be a great photographer, or even own a great camera...but I am lover of photography. I believe that the most amazing photo's are going to be the essence of what your trying to capture. That is what I try to capture with my photos. The smiles, the tears and just everyday life. I'd like to share some of the photo's that are in this book.

I was amazed to find one of the first photos of small town life, captured perfectly. In 1945, Myron Davis captured Larry Jim Holm (12 years old) walk along a rail road track with his dog, Dunk. Where at? Oskaloosa Iowa. *sigh* This is the kind of photo that speaks home, that stirs up feelings of nostalgia.

Another of my favs is one of the most iconic photo's ever taken. New York City, 1945, the exicitement of V-J Day is all about. Running about, a Navy serviceman grabs a nurse and kisses her as Alred Elsentaedt captures the moment. The caption reads, "There were thousands of people milling around, in side streets and everywhere. Everybody was kissing each other...And there was also a Navy man running, grabbing anybody, you know, kissing. I ran ahead of him because I had Leica cameras around my neck, focused from 10 feet to infinity. you only had to shoot....I didn't even know what was going on, until he grabbed something in white. And I stood there, and they kissed. And I snapped five times."

Another was shot by Allan Grant; of Yolanda and Marshall Jacobs, after being married atop a flagpole in Coshocton Ohio, 1946. Simply breathtaking.

Finally Lennart Nilsson's photo's of the beginning of life. The caption reads, "He began to explore the secrets of life when he was five years old, as an avid collector of flower and plant specimens. by the age of 12 he was taking pictures of them, and three years later his photographic series Nature of the Farm ran in a leading Swedish magazine. As an adult, he became quite well known for his landscape and portrait work. Then in 1951, Nilsson saw a row of tiny bottles in a lab, each containing a two month old fetus. "I had no idea the embryo was so mature so early. In that same second I knew I would concentrate on the early development of the human." When LIFE published a long cover story in 1965, "Drama of Life Before Birth," Nilsson burst into fame, and the piece which the photographer said was a dozen years in the making, became one of LIFE's most celebrated articles. Over the years, says Nilsson, he has been asked countless times, When does life begin? His response: "Maybe the first moment of human life, it starts with a kiss."

I hope to be able to tell such stories with the photo's I take.

Hope you've enjoyed this post. Love all.

Freedom

2011-07-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

My first class reunion was acouple of days ago, and while I wasn't able to go, I've been doing alot of reflecting on it lately. Especially on the person I was when I graduated and who I am now. When I graduated highschool, I was a very lost person making horrible choices. I was dealing with loosing the only home I'd ever known. It was then that God decided to start some amazing works. He led to two wonderful people, Jack and Donna. They filled alot of holes I had in my heart. They helped me to realize that I was more than the mistakes that I had made. That I could have a bright and beautiful future. As we are now on Independence Day, I've been thinking alot too about freedom. God brought me to Vennard and put people in my life like Mrs. Doll. She taught me that while I had been a victim of sexual abuse, I didn't have to stay a victim my whole life. That piece of knowledge has been key in my everyday life since. While a part of me still grieves the loss of my childhood home, of Vennard, of the person who I used to be and what has happened to me, an even bigger part celebrates the FREEDOM that which God has brought me. He has given me the freedom to want to be a good wife to Kyle. The freedom to want better for my children than the mistakes of those before me. The freedom to choose HIM. As I reflect on the past five years, I sincerely hope that those who knew me then and know me now, have seen the amazing change in my life, and the hope that I have. That Christ is the head of it all. Through my studies, I have befriended a woman who God is using to start an amazing work. She emailed me this morning, and one sentence really caught my attention. "FREEDOM has soo many meanings in our lives!!"

So, as you celebrate today, what freedoms are you celebrating?

You are for me

2011-06-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

I know that you are for me. You love me with an all consuming love that is never failing. In my moments when I am all too human, your grace touches down and surrounds. In the times that I feel alone, the times I have felt violated, you speak a word of reassurance, a word of hope. Your plans for me are greater than my moments of weakness. Your patience with me supersedes the depths of sin. You are great my Lord, all encompassing beauty. I know that you are for me. You refuse to leave me where you found me; placing my feet on a firm foundation, you are the Ultimate Encourager. You see me, my movements and thoughts. You know my heart. You create everything that is good within me. In my darkest moments, I am reminded of your greatness. You are powerful and just, making way for your children. Lord, we sing of you, we love you. You ARE the Ultimate Protector and Avenger. I rest in YOU. I trust in YOU. YOU direct my paths. Nothing that has happened is by mistake, for it has all been inspired by you for good. Everything for YOUR glory.

Celebrate!

2011-04-29T17:38:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've written anything, so I thought I'd take the time to say hey. Hey.

April has been a busy month. It has marked one year since we lost Grandma Florence, and that has been hard on Kyle. But we get to reflect on the service and how truly she was a godly woman. Truly a life to be celebrated. Then came my birthday and Kyle took me shopping (and I got to steal some time alone with my husband<3)! As long days of school and work have wore on I am now rejoicing in my husband's 24th birthday. Thankful that God created him and found him to a suitable partner for me. Although, I must say-Kyle's idea of celebrating and mine are a bit different. All he wants to do is stay in bed and watch tv-relax. Not me! I love celebrating by going to see a movie or out to dinner! So, to say the least it's been different for me. I made him a cake that didn't turn out so well...my heart kinda sunk when I realized it didn't. But Kyle was grateful-bless his soul! The 24th brought my grandmothers birthday, and while I was sad I couldn't be with her to celebrate, I did call her. She was *VERY* excited about all the cake she got!

As April gives way to May, I look forward to a friends wedding, a weekend spent with another friend, more birthday's and the end of my current classes. A lot to celebrate!

Speaking of celebrating, I've been reading "Found: God's Will," by John MacArthur, and he makes a point in there I find interesting. It's a book that I had to have for one class, and now have to read it again for my current pastoral class. It's a short little read with great points.

MacArthur writes,
"What does it mean to be Spirit-filled? Let me give you a short theology lesson. We will call it theology of the Spirit filled life. When you were saved, the moment you received Jesus Chris, the Holy Spirit came to live within you There is no Christian who does not possess the Holy Spirit, "If any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of His," (Romans 8:9 cf. 1 Corinthians 6:19; 12:12-13). Yet its is amazing how many Christians think they do not have the Holy Spirit. I have sat in church and heard sincere people pray, "O, God, send Your Spirit," and have thought to myself, No, He is here. He is here!I have heard people pray, "God give me more of your Spirit," as if He came in doses. The Holy Spirit is a person; He lives within you. "Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost?" (1 Corinthians 6:19) So many times we ask for what we already have! We pray for the Holy Spirit and He is already here."

I reflect on this point both in my own life, and in what I see in others. I believe that MacArthur has a valid point, but I also see that as humans we need to be reminded of things. We need to come back to Scripture and remind ourselves of what God has already promised us, and what He has called us to. A faithful, confident people. Going through this process of waiting for God's calling on our lives is so very exhausting. Seeing Kyle fill out applications and get rejected (or not even answered to is draining. Especially when I know his yearning to help others. So I reflect on this promise:
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you." (2 Corinthians 4:8-12).

Then I am reminded of the hatred of the world, and of my own shortcomings. We recently noticed someone on Facebook who (professes Christianity) outright attacking a group of people in the political context. Friends, are we not to be stewards of our tongues? Aren't our words what not only builds up others, but also builds our witness? I am reminded of Ephesians 4, but specifically vs. 29-"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Friends, this is a time for celebrating! Not only do we have the promises of God, but we have instruction! We have direction!

I pray this encourages you today, that you see the beauty of God in your life today.

Radiance, Obedience, Reverence

2011-02-11T18:31:00.000-08:00

Ahh! God, these people here are ridiculous! They would rather watch you struggle in the snow then help you out, box you in at the grocery store rather than let you by and talk behind your back than be honest with you! Lord, I am just so fed up! I hate it here-I want to move and I feel like we should already be in ministry. I feel like we are waiting, and have been for 2 years now. I'm so sick of Oklahoma!

***This is just some of my daily rantings, put nicely***And God has called my attention to it. Specifically to my attitude, my lack of obedience, and my tendency to complain.***

I want to share with you some verses that I read today and then a lesson God has used on me this week for Obedience.

"Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." Psalm 34:3-5
I want to be known as a woman with whom radiance flows! How beautiful is that?! I want to be know as a woman who SEEKS the Lord FIRST. I read this and see how much God has been there for me. There are so many fears that He has taken away, and many holes that he has filled in my life-The least I can do as His creation is to SEEK Him.

"By the word of the Lord were the heavens made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth.He gathers the waters of the sea into jars, he puts the deep into storehouses.Let all the earth fear the Lord; let all the people of the world revere him. For he spoke and it came to be; he commanded and it stood firm." Psalm 33:6-9

Simply Beautiful.

I want to be a radiant woman of God who has reverence for God. Who finally has obedience and finds HIS blessings for my life, not what I think blessings should be.

******Obedience******

God's been laying it on my heart lately to reflect on my obedience to Him. I've made it quite known that I don't like being here, and I always find something to complain about. Which is why the following sermon that I listened to the other day was that much more humbling. This is a sermon by Charles Stanley, and you can find it on his website, but here are the sermon notes.

Obedience Always Brings Blessing

Charles F. Stanley

Memory Verse: Psalm 24:1-5
I. Introduction: I define a blessing as any expression of God’s goodness and love toward us. Answered prayer, miraculous provision, and unexpected favor are some examples. We easily recognize these as God’s gifts. But sometimes He chooses to bless us in different ways. For instance, He grants us strength and joy in the midst of hardship, and He uses our suffering to help us mature spiritually.

When we obey God, we can trust that He will display His goodness and love to us. Those who are wise will watch for His blessings in all their different forms.

II. Biblical Examples

A. Noah’s obedience saved his family from the flood.

B. Abraham’s obedience resulted in his becoming the father of a great nation, God’s chosen people, Israel.

C. Moses led the Israelites out of Egyptian bondage.

D. Joshua won the battle of Jericho by following God’s supernatural strategy.

E. David refused to harm Saul, the anointed king.

F. Jehoshaphat relied on God’s word when the Ammonites attacked Judah.

G. Peter obeyed Jesus’ command to fish in the heat of day.

H. Paul followed God’s will and took the gospel to the Gentiles.

III. Types of Blessing

God’s gifts aren’t always obvious. But when you obey Him, He may bless you with:

A. Peace, joy, and contentment. These internal qualities often result when we step out in faith and obey God.

B. Spiritual growth. We will have more faith to obey the next time God challenges us to do something.

C. Eternal blessings. When we stand before God on judgment day, we will be rewarded for our obedience (see Mark 9:41; Luke 6:21-23).

IV. Suffering Before Blessing

Often, the first effect of obedience is not blessing, but suffering. Sometimes, what God requires of us will initially lead to pain and sadness. We shouldn’t assume that difficulty means we’ve made a mistake or that He has abandoned us. Let’s look at two significant examples of suffering as an initial result of obedience:

A. Moses followed God’s command to lead His people out of Egypt. Not only did the leader experience difficulty in freeing the Israelites from bondage; the people also complained bitterly about life in the dessert once they were released. Despite these and other challenges, Moses is known as the most important leader in the Old Testament.

B. Paul obeyed God by preaching the gospel. As a result, he suffered tremendous persecution, danger, and physical abuse (2 Cor. 11:23-27). However, because he was imprisoned, the apostle had time to write his epistles to the Colossians, Philippians, Ephesians, and Philemon. His obedience resulted in supernatural blessing (see 2 Tim. 4:7).

V. God’s Purposes for Our Suffering

A. To bring us to the end of ourselves. We become most useful to the Lord when we rely on Him completely. If we respond correctly to loss and suffering, we will find blessing through it.

B. To prevent pride. Suffering reminds us that all good things are gifts from God and not earned by our own efforts.

C. To remove idols from our lives. Worshipping anything other than God is a problem. He causes all things to work together for our good (Rom. 8:28). So if He removes a good thing from our lives, He must have a purpose, even if we can’t see it at the time.

D. To deepen our understanding of His ways. When God does something and we aren’t sure why, we can anticipate learning something new about how He operates.

E. To demonstrate His faithfulness to His children. In suffering, you and I have the opportunity to become living examples of the goodness of God. As others watch how we respond to overwhelming adversity, they recognize His loving care.

VI. Conclusion:

If you obey God, can you expect His blessings? Yes. But remember that His choice of blessing may be different from yours. Perhaps He will use suffering to draw you closer to Himself. Or He may use it to remove from your life those things that hinder fruitfulness for Him. No matter what, if you walk in His will, He will bless you in surprising ways.

Copyright 2011 In Touch Ministries, Inc. All rights reserved. www.intouch.org. In Touch grants permission to print for personal use only.

January

2011-01-25T20:19:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how big I've been on New Years Resolutions in the past, but as January ends I'm finding stuff in my life that I want to change, and am trying to make steps towards changing. I know one thing that I don't want it to be is something I just give up. I'm a procrastinator and that frustrates me. A few weeks ago I purchased some exercising stuff. I want to loose some of this weight I've gained. I think it's going to help my attitude and just be better all around. Paul instructs Timothy in 1 Timothy 4 that while physical training has some value, godliness has value for everything. Which is another thing I want to improve, is my time with the Lord. I want the Lord's direction for everything in my life and that's only going to happen when I spend time in His word and with Him. In the past year I've found myself complaining quite a bit...and about stupid stuff. This is another aspect of my life I'm trying to change. The final two are school, bucking down and getting it done. And learning to crochet. As odd as it sounds, I've had an odd desire lately to learn...lol. So I welcome your prayers for me as I work on these aspects of my life in the coming year. Please let me know if there is anything I can pray for you for. Blessings.

Do or Don't?

2010-11-27T19:27:00.000-08:00

I've been to alot of weddings lately and I must say there are alot of things to love and alot of thing to not love. One of the biggest things that upset me and I find absolutely tacky, is making your guests wait while you and your wedding party go drink on a bus or limo. It's tacky and disrespectful. Especially when you've made this big "to do" in the church. I take my vow to my husband and to God seriously and find it horribly disrespectful when the first thing you do as a married couple is get drunk before you even get to the reception.
I give props to couples who are very tasteful in their reception and care about the finances of their wedding. I know with our wedding, there are alot of things we didn't get to spend money on, but in the long run we are thankful because we've been able to save and use it on other things. A recent wedding I went to, the bride and groom opted to be a bit more savvy with their finances in order to save for their marriage, and their wedding was just as tasteful. Quite beautiful actually.
I don't agree with having an open bar at a wedding. Especially when there are kids present. If both parents drink, then how is that a safe ride home? Another wedding I was at recently, the alcohol was free but you had to pay for non-alcoholic drinks such as pop or water. This infuriates me. So, because I don't drink, I have to pay for mine??
I will give props to weddings who have good food. If you have money in the budget for food, it's always promising to see good home down food.
I give props to the guests who know how to dress for a wedding. A hint to the ladies, blue jeans with stuff written on the behind, paired with heels is NOT proper wedding attire-lets be a bit more classy.
Finally I give props to ministers who actually care about what they are saying before the congregation. I find it very annoying when pastors try to joke so much during a ceremony that they stumble in their words, forget what they were saying or offer up a non-sensical prayer. Things such as "Dear Lord please meet us here," hasn't God already said that where two or more are gathered I will be there?
That is my rantings for the evening.

It's October

2010-10-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's October. And I am listening to Christmas music, sipping warm apple cider and have my Christmas cards ordered. Alot of people would call me crazy-and that's okay, but I love everything about Christmas. Growing up, the adults in my family tried to make every Christmas special and meaningful. From Grandma reading the Christmas story, to the wonderful aroma of the feast we were to have, to the gifts we gave, and received. Mind you, we didn't have money by any means, but this was when we tried to go all out. It was just special. And that's what I want to show my kids. The wonder of the first snow, the beauty of all the lights strung about, the sweet smell of apple pie-and the fact that Kyle and I will love them enough to explain that Christmas is about Jesus. As laughable as it might sound, Christmas makes me happy. Makes me feel like a kid again, and I relish in that. From getting my hands sticky from cinnamon roll dough, to getting ecstatic about playing in the snow. I can't wait to share that with my kids. And despite how my family is now, I still have a huge love for family, and I want my children to experience that as well. I can't wait to one day dote on my children.

And since it's October, you can already probably tell from my Fall 2010 album on Facebook, that I LOVE fall!

Trust & Obey

2010-09-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever." -Psalm 23

I learned the above Psalm in the persistent, abiding wording of the King James Bible, from my grandmother. She used to have me read it with her every night before bed. The psalm talks about how God is our refuge and our leader, and with Him we don't want or doubt, or even fear. About how we commit to dwell in His house forever. And when I've looked at my grandmother, that is exactly what I have seen. She describes herself in her yearbook page as having a "studious air" about herself, and I can not think of any better way to describe her.
In the photo's posted, Gram went to high school with Bill Winfrey. Bill is a brother to Jack Winfrey, who has basically became like a father to me. I don't know how much interaction they had as teens, but it's interesting to see how God has had a hand in this whole situation. He leads me, just like the Psalm says. Grandma couldn't have possibly known that Jack & Donna would become a huge part of my life, but that's how God works. And it's been interesting to hear Jack talk about Uncle Jim (Grandma's brother), "Now Jim was a big fella (and he was!!) and I always asked him why he didn't play football and he would always say that he didn't want to hurt anyone!" "He may have been a big fella, but he sure did care about others!"

Even in as I reflect on the many times my husband and I could have met growing up, but never did...but we ended up together. One of Kyle's friends was dating a friend of a friend of mine, and went to our proms. Another of Kyle's friends had a grandmother who was friends with my mom, and yet two more friends went to the church that I went to youth group at...and still I never met Kyle until Vennard.

As I reflect on this verse I pray that my heart continues to be softened by it and that I am continually amazed by God's work. That I learn to trust God more and obey His every word.

Florence Kay

2010-09-16T23:08:00.001-07:00

It's a little after one in the morning and I've spent the last few hours messing with my blog design. And as I have been, I have been thinking about a pretty important person in my life. And I've decided I'd like to introduce you to her. She's my Aunt Kay. And over the years she hasn't necessarily gotten the respect or love she has deserved. But thankfully God has softened my heart so that I can see just how beautiful of a human being she is. She is the daughter of Harold Hubbs and Gladys Carriker. She spent many years in the Navy, traveling everywhere. Just a few short years ago she finally retired from the Navy Reserves. While in the Navy, she went to China and bought a China set-which was the beautiful wedding gift that she gave Kyle and I. Growing up, she struggled with homosexuality, but one day gave her heart to Christ and I am proud to say that Christ is in the for-front of her life. She is very much involved with youth for Christ and many other organizations. She builds relationships with almost everyone she's in contact with. She is one of those people who you always want to be around. Her amazing character mixes with her infectious personality and laughter and draws you in. She loves with everything that she is. She sacrifices a lot and would give you the shirt off her back.She's humble and fun to be around. She has taught me what it means to be a woman of Christ, especially when no one is looking. She has shown me what integrity means. In my lifetime, she has been an amazing owner to two wonderful dogs, Kringle & Remington. In the most recent years she has become one of my better friends and I'm better for knowing her. Aunt Kay, I love you, miss you and am thankful you are in my life.

Enough

2010-09-15T16:58:00.000-07:00

Sunday night we taught the youth about being a steward with everything that God has given you, but mainly we talked about money. We discussed in length about the heart in which you do things in, and whether or not it was true offering for God. So as I write this, I feel I need to check myself and my heart. Ephesians tells us to only use words that are used to uplift those around us. Luke tells us that if we can't be trusted with things here on earth, who will trust us with greater things? Lord guide my thoughts, heart, words and actions.
I really have a hard time loving people who gossip, make fun of others, use children as a go between, people who purposely try to get under others skin, and people who don't have the gall to say things to your face. And I really have a hard time loving those who you try so hard for and they barely notice. It seems to be a theme in my life lately. But God has been speaking to my heart and has been working on me. I've dealt with anger a lot in the last two years, and this is something I don't want taking over my life. With some people, I feel like they think I'm not enough friend, family, "doer" whatever the role may be. And it's hurt, a lot. But then I look at the ones who I am "enough" for and am thankful that I can fulfill a need in their life, I'm needed to them. I mean something to them. That gives me hope that I can have heart for those who hurt me. That I can pray for them and wish the best for them. Lord continue to guide me, in heart, mind, and words. Help me to be a better steward of my heart.

Oh The Places You'll Go!

2010-09-03T13:29:00.000-07:00

So I went into Hobby Lobby the other day, and normally it's a good experience for me. I'm like a kid in a candy store whenever I go in there. But the other day I had just this overwhelming feeling of breaking down. All I could think about was the situation I was in with my family and had this horrible thought that I have no one to cook for. To have people around to cook for and entertain, that is a great sense of accomplishment for me. Dumb, I know. But as I walked around I found the Christmas ornaments and saw this one of a monster truck, The Grave Digger. Just what you want you want decorating your tree right? I wouldn't have stopped except when we were kids, Mom took us to a few Monster Truck races and The Grave Digger was my brothers favorite car for a VERY long time. And I started crying. Having your family turn away from Christ and away from you feels like death...and it sucks. So periodically I've tried to share with Kyle some of the stuff that were good times with my family, and someday I'll get to take him to those places. I'd like to share some of that with you.
In Longview Washington, they have this restaurant called Stuffy's, and Stuffy's makes this amazing cinnamon roll(which they have so eloquently named the "Itty Bitty Cinnamon Roll) that is as big as the plate and stands quite a bit high off the plate. My mom, her boyfriend at the time and my brother and sister ordered one to share and couldn't eat half of it! It's pretty amazing. Not to mention that when you walk into the restaurant, it's like the 50's era just stopped and got shoved into this one building. My mom has this photo of her and her dog when she was a kid, and in the background Mt. Saint Helen's is erupting in the background, which is something I've always thought is pretty cool. Especially when I was able to go to Kelso Washington to the center they have there and buy a pen filled with that same ash that was falling with that photo was taken. In Longview they have this tiny bridge going across one of the streets and it's known as the "Squirrel Bridge" and that's literally what's it for. And if you kill a squirrel anywhere near there, you get fined.
Growing up we didn't have money, and the fact that I have been able to go places, I think it to be a miracle. The fact that I was able to Texas and see the "ocean" is pretty cool...and I got to share it with Kyle. I know for alot of people, being able to go places isn't that big of deal. But for me, to have been able to afford it in the past and to now be able to share future trips with the love of my life is pretty amazing.

http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/9781

http://www.stuffys2.com/index.html

Popsicles

2010-08-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

He knows that I love eating all the "good" flavors of Popsicles before all the ones I consider gross. He knows that I consider a jar of baby dill pickles heaven on earth and he knows that the smallest thing can be sentimental to me and make me tear up. Kyle also knows the things that matter most about me, like my character. So when recently I had a falling out with a family member and cried for basically a day, he listened to what was on my heart, and he trusted me at my word. And when this family member emailed him to tear down my character, Kyle in reply, stood up for me and my character. There aren't even words to describe how I feel. To know that I can be open and honest with my husband, and know that he trusts me-is an amazing feeling. To know that we can have raw and candid discussions about anything-I'm quite grateful for it. And most people will be like, "Well isn't that what a Christian marriage is," and they are right. but when you've grown up your entire life with examples of relationships that AREN'T like that-it's pretty cool to be a part of one that is.
One of the things I love about our relationship is that we try to be honest with each other in all aspects-and that includes everything from calling one another out to sharing joyous moments together. And learning together with Christ is one of the biggest things we are working on together.
I read the book of Titus this morning, and when I mentioned it to Kyle he got excited as Titus has kept coming up in his reading too. There were many many interesting things I found in Titus, but wanted to share a few.
"To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good." Titus 1:15, 16. Paul's language here is very strong and very direct. And I pray as I continue in my walk with Christ, that I would not be "tempted" or "contaminated" by things that are not pure. Zondervan's Bible Commentary pointed this out as well. "J.N.D. Kelly makes the valuable observation that when modern people quote the apothegm, they usually take the word exclusively in the moral sense and deduce that the man who is himself pure need not fear contamination by anything impure. This is a dangerous half-truth, and far from Paul's meaning. From this point Paul proceeds in phrases of strong condemnation to describe those responsible for these heresies..." In the last two years I've been accused of being pregnant outside of marriage, of cheating on in class tests, being a hypocrite, judging people and being uptight. Having at least one person who honestly knows your true character as a Christian, it means the world. And it brings even more truth to Paul's writings-that we need to be as pure in Christ as possible. Because by all means possible, people around us will try to bring the name of Christ down. Paul continues in Titus talking about what must be taught and doing what is good. I specifically like Titus 2:11-14-"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say, "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age while we wait for the blessed hope-the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."

Lord, help this to be my prayer today-that I might be like you. Love minded, but ready and willing to speak your truth-all of it, not just what people want to hear. To help them understand that you are a loving AND just God. Father, help me to forgive and move on. Help me to have a better prayer life, and to lift all burdens to you. Amen.

Parenting

2010-08-13T07:59:00.000-07:00

All my life I've thought that your mom is supposed to be the one who stands by your side and supports you, no matter what. And your dad is the amazing man you measure every other man against. But when it comes to my parents, those wonderful perceptions seem to just be a whisper. Some days I just hope for them to be actual parents, and even then I realize I've hoped for too much. Instead of kind words from my mother when I'm feeling nostalgic, I get her divided attention, between me and who ever seems to be there at the time. I get smiles and laughter to my face and behind my back I get haughty words that tear down my character. Instead of guiding words of wisdom from my father, I get called names that wouldn't even seem appropriate for your worst enemy. I get looked at with eyes of hate and told that I'm "holier than thou." I know as Christians we are told that we are going to be hated...but it still doesn't stop it from hurting. Especially when it comes from your own parents. It's something I've cried over numerous times, prayed over and it still hurts. My whole life (especially as I've become an adult) I wonder what it would be like to have Christian parents, parents that love you and guide you spiritually. I have Jack and Donna, and people like the Penn's who have given me amazing advice and have been there for me, and Kyle's parents who are amazing as well...but it's different when it's your own parents.
My children are going to have Christian parents who care for them and love them, and who they can be proud of. My children aren't going to have to worry if their father is going to hurt them or if their mother will try to be like their 15 year old friend. Because Kyle and I will place God before everything and be parents to our children.
If you have Christian parents who love and support you-call them up today and let them know how much they mean to you. If your parents are like mine, rest assure I feel your pain and am lifting you up in prayer.

Lord, if it's your will, take this hurt from me. Thank you for the wonderful examples of Christian parenting I see around me, and Lord when I become a parent help me to remember your precepts and know you are King.

Commitment

2010-08-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

As I reflect on my first year of marriage, the first and most prominent thing that is on my mind is that we loved each other enough to commit. As I look at peoples relationships today I'm saddened by how misunderstood love is. The ideas and perceptions people think it is, when really it's not. God created spouses so we would gain a better understanding of what the concept of love is. And not just sexual intimate love, but rather Agape, love for your fellow neighbor and the love you have for Christ. In the four years that I've known Kyle and the one we've been married, Kyle has shown me the love of Christ probably more than most people I have known my whole life. He builds me up, encourages me and is honest with me with I am being completely and utterly selfish. We've made a lot of mistakes, especially when we were dating, but I can honestly say that I don't regret marrying him. I've been able to tell him things about my past and he still loves and cares for me all the same and yet has pushed me to be better. I chose him because he paid attention. When he talked to me I was the only person in the room, and at the time that was a lot more than I could say for some people. When I cook him dinner he doesn't try to point out how I did it wrong, he's just thrilled if there's a cheesecake afterwards. He sees what is important to me and takes an interest. He lets me teach him things. He's patient with me, in all facets of life. And above all of this, his top priority is to show me Christ.
He's been everything from the guy who was willing to step down when I wasn't sure, to the one who held my hand as I cried when I was.
I have never in my life been in such a fulfilling relationship as I am now with my husband. And it's all because Christ is our foundation. Reflecting on relationships today...the ones who are living together and aren't married, the ones who are in adultery, the ones who are one-sided relationships(and so on), I think they are there because they haven't experienced the love of Christ through another human being. Because I honestly believe that if they had, they would understand. Christ has better things for you than "just living together!" Marriage is more than a warm body at night and more than a companion to talk to. Marriage is understanding that you are in it together no matter what, and knowing it's all for Christ. At least mine is♥♥♥

Tonight on my first anniversary to Kyle, I am thankful for a husband that has Christ first in his life, and actually cares that I do too.

Jonah, Jewels, Patience & Perseverance

2010-08-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

I have a few things that I want to cover in this blog and the first one is jewels. I teach Children's Church every other Sunday and I've been working my way through a book that is about the Crown of Righteousness that we get when we get to heaven. There are jewels in that crown that stand for things such as compassion, adoration and so on. When I started doing this series with the children it reminded me of the song "Jewels," by William O. Cushing. My grandmother used to sing it to me when I have little. I called her the other day to tell her about the children and asked her if she remembered the song, she didn't. So I started singing the first stanza and she sang along with me (Probably one of the most beautiful moments I've shared with her and a very long time. I'm thankful for that) Afterwards she started chuckling and said, "yea now I remember, I must have sung it to you kids as part of a bible school project or something." Singing with her made me feel like a kid again. We always kept a hymn book in the car and we would sing hymns to and from church, and then she would always sing "God Loves the Little Children" in German. I'm very thankful "Jewels."
Which leads me to Jonah. I taught Children's Church last Sunday so I missed out on Dr. Weeter's sermon, and apparently it was about Jonah. I found this out later that night when Kyle and I were talking about where we were in life and how frustrating it was to still be here. What he had to say next kinda took me down a notch and made me realize that I'm not doing such a hot job of being a Christian to my husband. He said, "I know being here sucks, but you have really taken a distaste to it, and made sure everyone knows it. It's not that I don't like being here either, because it has been hard, but perhaps we're still here because God is trying to teach you something and you're not willing to see that."
So I decided to read through Jonah and saw alot of him in myself. Jonah 4:9-10, "But god said to Jonah, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?" "I do," he said. "I am angry enough to die." But the Lord said, " You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?' I very much felt a parallel in that God is telling me that I don't don't see His hand here...and that's a problem. If I can't look past my own ignorance to see God's glory, how am I going to see the need in those around me? Or even how God could or would want to use me, or not use me? Zondervan's Bible Commentary kinda pointed this out too. In talking about the storm or "klydon," it says "This was not a purposeless demonstration of the Lord's power over the elements nor even just to smash inflexible Jonah, but to give him a sense of concern for the sailors and thus for the Ninevites."
In a sense I'm ashamed to have been so dense this long, but am astounded at God's hand at work. He knew that I needed something to love before I could love this place, that I needed to get this understanding. In the past few weeks God has put people in my life to care for and grow relationships with so that I may see His glory in this place. Thus enters the "patience and perseverance," it's been a long road and these two things make what God has for us that much better!!
So today I am thankful for Jewels/Grandma, Matthew, a beautiful little boy I get to take care of, Sara & Justin, an awesome couple who I know God has amazing plans for, my church family who has shown me a bigger side of His love than I could have every imagined and today I'm thankful for my husband who isn't afraid to be honest with me, thank you Kyle, I love you.

Dear Lord,
My prayer today is that you would continue to help me see you glory and love, and that you created this place. You knew before we existed that we would be at this place-Lord guide us as this builds our faith. Thankful for all your blessings and omnipresence. Amen

"I in my Savior am happy and blest,
watching and waiting, looking above,
filled with his goodness, lost in his love." -Blessed Assurance

The Home That Built Me

2010-07-29T18:09:00.001-07:00

I've started to realize that I write quite often, but for me, when I get writing-it's like knowing you only have 3 chapters left of the book you're reading and well you can't just let it sit! That'd be absurd! Also, I'm quite forgetful, I fear that if I don't write something down when I'm thinking about it then I'll forget it.
I've decided that when Kyle and I start thinking about babies I'm going to be ridiculously excited to decorate my child's room. That has nothing to do with anything except I've spent most of the afternoon online looking at old children's books trying to find the ones that my grandmother used to read to me. And I know that the probability of me finding them is like 2 in 1000, but I have dreams of reading these same books to my children. I say my chances are low of finding these books are so low because the ones I was able to hang on to, were brought out in the 50's. Which will ultimately make them that more enjoyable when my children are grown and realize how old the book is.
As an adult, I love doing children's crafts. Anything with glitter, glue, crayons, and coloring books makes me excessively happy-which is why I decided a long time ago I am going to do crafts with my children and read to them...anything that involves investing in their lives. Like my grandmother did with me. I knew I could always go to her, snuggle up and read stories with her. It was a great comfort.
If you haven't by this point, you need to watch the music video to "The Home That Built Me," by Miranda Lambert. It's basically about this woman who comes back to her childhood home and asks to look around...."and I promise to take nothing but a memory...". Most of you might find this video/song a bit flaky, but I break down every time. For whatever reason, I've had it in my mind (since I was little) that when I grew up being able to come back to my childhood home was of great importance.
But that's not a possibility anymore. When we moved Grandma to the nursing home we got kicked out and the land sold. This has been something that I have had to overcome. To this day, when I hear Gram mention, "well if we were just at home I could go and grab this or this..." I get a lump in my throat, because I know it hurts her just as much. That was where she built her life, and now it's just someone's front yard.
On one of my birthdays (12 maybe) Mama got me my first walk-men with chunky headphones and my first CD ever-Shania Twain. After all my birthday stuff was over with I went to the back room (a small room off of the kitchen that held a deep freeze, Gram's plants, canned food) and put on the head phones, turned the music wayyy up and started jamming. Of course the music so loud I can't hear anything, and of course as I'm dancing like any 12 year old white nerdy mid-western kid does (with my back to the door) my mother happens to walk in and watch. And as I whip around in my awesomeness, there stands my mother so red in the face from laughter, I'm not even sure if she's okay.
I remember falling down our stairs from my own clumsiness so many times I literally broke off part of my tail bone. Sunday mornings was always pancakes with Grandma. Mine and my brothers dogs are both buried back home. My aunt making a tree house for my sister. When my brother and I were kids, we would take this pea green wool blanket outside on hot summer days and drape it over the clothesline and we would make our own fort.
I remember the bad times too. Like how the numerous times we couldn't pay the fuel man the minimum of $200 to come put a little fuel in our furnace during Winter. Growing up in Delta, you were not considered much. Most people were either drunks, drug attics or poor. We were unquestionably the poor ones. But when asked what memories mean the most, it's the ones where my brother and I are inseparable, where my sister is running around with little blond curls and I've promised I'm going to take care of her no matter what, where Gram's arms is the safest and best place to be and where when I look at my Mama, I think she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

Grandma's Letters

2010-07-28T19:10:00.000-07:00

Before I left for Oklahoma for the first time I asked my grandmother if she would write me if I would write her back. "Well of course I'll write," she stated quite matter-of-factly, as if the question I had just asked was a nonsensical request. Laughing a bit I handed her the new stationary set I had bought her and told her I loved her. My grandmother and I are quite close, so when she writes chicken scratch letters I can barely read because of her arthritic hands, I fall to pieces. When I had asked her to write, she declared to me that it wouldn't be much of anything because nothing goes on in the nursing home. I told her that was fine, she could tell me about the book she happened to be reading at the time and toss in a few stories from her past. She said that would be fine and has been very diligent in her writing. Despite her protests, she seems to find quite a bit to write about. Most of the time I can only read a couple of things (they are the most important part of the letter too!) "Dear Tresa, I love you," and "God be with you, I love you." Those are the parts that matter the most. I was so instant on her writing because I know she misses me, and doesn't get that many visitors, and when she was at home, letter writing was a big thing for her. I want her to be able to have that freedom for as long as she can.
The other day she wrote me and two words were all that I could read of the letter besides the greeting. Just two words showed me that she loves me and she loves God. The two words you may ask? "God hears." Just like that with nothing else around it. God hears.
My grandmother was the first one to show me Christ on a consistent basis...and still today some 400 miles away, she's still doing the same today.

I pray that you have someone in your life who has shown you Christ they way my grandmother has. She's a real blessing in my life and I regret the times I was too ignorant to see that. Thank God for that person in your life, and if you can-let them know how much of an impact they have on you. Today I'm thankful for my grandmother.

Buttons & Marbles

2010-07-26T09:16:00.000-07:00

In working with the youth group last night, I was utterly frustrated. This is the first time since working with them that I don't feel that alot of stuff is getting through. Sadly in a lot of my Christian walk I have been a Pharisee, doing all the right things on the outside, but on the inside I was dead. I don't want this for my youth...or for my own future children. In just observing other parents, Kyle and I have decided that we don't want to be our children's "best friend," we want to be their parents. Same with the youth. We don't want to be their best friends in the sense of we are the ones who promote the things of youth, like gossip and sexual promiscuity. But be the Christian adults that they feel they can trust to come to with anything. Growing up my Mom was my best friend...and that was great when I needed someone to gab to, but when I looked to an authoritative figure, I looked to my grandmother. She instilled the rules, and yet let me be a child. I remember under her bed she had jars of buttons and I would spend hours looking through them. She had two jewelry boxes full of costume jewelry. My cousin Amber and I would dress up in old clothes and Grandma's costume jewelry and sing and dance right along with Lawrence Welk. Grandma was a big fan of board games, especially Chinese Checkers. In the cabinet above the kitchen sink she kept this old wooden box full of marbles, and just like the buttons, I was just as enthralled. My grandmother was a wonderful parent to me...she let me live out my childhood out. I think that is one significant thing that is wrong with todays society-children are being forced to grow up too soon, and make decisions about adult things-and they aren't equipped to make such decisions. I pray for todays youth as God guides us through this journey. It reminds me of Joshua when God commands him to take on Jericho. One thing you see in Joshua is persistence when God assures him he won't be alone. "....so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous because you will lead these people..." (Joshua 1:5b-6a).
"Be strong and courageous because you will glad these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:6-9). In a short few chapters later you see Joshua is victorious. May this be your prayer for today, to be strong and courageous wherever we go. May we meditate on the word of the Lord so that we may learn how to understand and equip those around us.

Pride & Family

2010-07-24T15:18:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking alot about family lately, and what it means to be proud of your family. Growing up, the only thing that my mother and father could ever agree on was that I was supposed to be proud of my Grandma Zeola. Having this repeated to you over the years starts to work on you, especially when you never even got to meet her. For alot of my life I have had this huge weight on me, that I was supposed to be just like her, and I hadn't even met her. I'm writing this because in a recent conversation with another family member, I was told I was to "be proud to be a Clemens." Some of this is in response to what I said to that family member, but some of this is what I've been thinking about family...especially my own. In James 4:6, we are told that, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." In seeing how I want my family raised, I think that our relationships with God come before "family pride." Being right with God and doing His will should always take priority. After all, were we not God's children first? It makes me think of the Israelites as they are trekking through to the Promised Land, they were more concerned with the things of the earth than that of what God had in store for them. Aren't we told that "love of the world is hatred towards God?"
I'm not saying being proud of your family is a bad thing, but when does something like that become an idol? Perhaps when the unexpected death of a beloved woman happened twenty-two years ago, that her children are still too prideful to seek help? Perhaps when certain family members are still so distraught over it, that they miss out on relationships with their own children...and they don't even realize it? Aren't we told that God won't give us more than we can handle? That He will be our solid ground so that we may stand up underneath it until he opens another door?
Family is a wonderful thing instituted by God, but if not used in the right context we won't see the fruit of what God has for us.

Dear Lord,
Teach me to be like you. Teach me what you really meant for family and all the beautiful things to come from that. Not pride, not idols and not hurt. But joy love and compassion. Lord guide us all. Amen.

Working It Out

2010-07-24T07:04:00.000-07:00

This is just a starter blog to see how everything is going to work. So far I'm not having too good of luck.